lost in myself

I realize I haven't posted anything lately. I suppose I've been dealing with a bit of writer's block or maybe a lack of inspiration. At the very least, I've been feeling kind of low.

As those who are closest to me know, I had someone close to be betray my trust and jeopardize my safety. While this person didn't realize what they had done (at least I sincerely hope so), I can't help but feel like it was a major breach of trust. It honestly took me a bit to get to where I was "ok".

This has caused me to go into a different direction in life, and yet again I was searching for my purpose and where I found enjoyment in life. I rid myself of unsavory folks and those I felt I couldn't trust and who would only bring me grief. I was feeling pretty good about this decision until.......one of those folks realized they no longer had any control over me and lashed out.

Now, this may have seemed heartless to some, but I was truly trying to look out for my own sanity. Having this person in my life only seemed to create more drama and unrest. Who needs that? So, after being berated for about 2 hours I was left feeling pretty hurt. This person really doesn't understand what I need and what they were doing. You can think I used you to my advantage, but I am not a malicious person. Granted, part of the rant kinda had me believing that I was a horrible person.

Deep down I know I am not though. What was said to me came from a place of hurt and unrest...and this seed was planted far before I came into the picture. It was not fair of you to accuse me of such hurtful things, and for that, I will never forgive you. And as much as I try to let things roll off of me, some stuck and will never be forgotten. Shame on you for harboring such hate. If you took me at face value and actually listened and not just heard, you'd know that I have and will always be today who I was yesterday. I do not put on false fronts. If I'm guilty of anything, it's caring too much. I put my heart and soul into my relationships with other people. I don't know how to be anything else.

I guess through all of this, I kind of gave up a bit...on everything. It's going to take some time, but I'm clawing my way to the surface again to find my place in this world...wherever that may be. I will be ok... it just takes time and determination. I am a strong person though, and I will prevail. I know I can do this...


~Madison